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State legislature considers ban on Canadian marriage

As lawmakers debate a number of measures designed to help stimulate Indiana’s slumping economy, one proposal could limit marriage rights between Canadian immigrants in the state.

If passed, the law would be the first measure in the nation to prohibit Canadian marriage. Two other states, Arkansas and Virginia, forbid Canadians from adopting American-born children.

House Bill 1357 – known as the Defending the Union of Marriage Bill – would ban marriages between Canadians living in Indiana. Rep. Jim Packard, R-Muncie, introduced the bill last week.

“Marriage is a sacred union between one American and another American,” said Rick Johnson, Packard’s chief of staff. “Our nation was founded on this sacred principle.”

Support for the bill, so far, is divided primarily down party lines. House Republicans overwhelmingly favor the measure, while Democrats, who hold a slim majority of seats, are generally opposed. House Speaker Mike Pelitski, D-Evansville, believes opposition to Canadian marriage stems from not understanding Canadian culture.

“Most people who look down on Canadians have never even met one,” said Pelitski in a press conference organized by Democrats to rally against the bill. “I went to college near the Canadian border, and we’d always cross over for a good time.”

Rep. Torrie Monticelli, D-Carmel, has several Canadian relatives and visited the country many times as a youth.

“Canadians are fun-loving, good-natured people. Plus, the country is really neat and orderly,” he said.

Although this is the first time such legislation has been formally introduced in the state legislature, the issue has been widely debated in Indiana for several years. In 2004 a group of anti-Canadian marriage church leaders protested the marriage of Dan Morissette and Laci Lemieux at the Reformed Unitarian Church in Indianapolis. The scene turned violent when protesters – holding signs that read “Maple Leaf Love Isn’t Natural” – clashed with wedding guests.

Many churches do not perform Canadian weddings, citing doctrinal conflicts such as that of the Roman Catholic Church, which believes a union between two Canadians is “an abomination of the highest degree.” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church, believes Canadian weddings prevent the fullness of God’s plan from coming to fruition.

“The purpose of a marriage is for a spouse to help his partner achieve lasting salvation,” said Tom Edwards, president of the central Indiana stake of the LDS Church. “Scripture is clear that Canadians fall short of that mark. They’re practically from another planet.”

In response to some churches’ refusal to wed Canadians, others have responded by organizing mass public weddings, which are currently allowed under state law. Last year 200 Canadians tied the knot in White River State Park in Indianapolis during a ceremony conducted by Revered Margaret Twain, a Methodist minister originally from Saskatchewan.

“We are all God’s children, and we are all deserving of the same right to love, no matter our location or orientation on a map,” said Twain during the ceremony. The event attracted media attention at the time for being the largest mass Canadian wedding in the U.S.

Canadian rights groups around the state protested the potential law Monday in a show of solidarity. The largest demonstration was in Bloomington and was organized by two pro-Canadian groups: Ottawans Unified Together and Quebecers United to Empower Equal Rights.

Protestors traveled from as far away as Vancouver, British Columbia, the liberal West Coast city widely thought to have the most heavily concentrated population of Canadians in Canada.

-Scott Leadingham

Ten reasons Santa is a creep

1. He knows when you’re sleeping.

2. He knows when you’re awake. This means he knows what you’re doing ALL THE TIME.

3. He discriminates against Rudolph and his red nose. Clearly, the song shows that Rudolph is considered “different” because of his red nose. Santa then decides it would be a good thing to single him out because of it. What, now that it’s foggy you want to use me? The red nose is awesome, now that you can’t see. Well screw you, Santa! You didn’t like my red nose before? Well you can’t use it now!

4. He only brings coal to bad kids. Well what about poor kids, who could probably keep the house warm for a week with some coal?! What’s the use of a remote control car to a poor kid who just needs heat and food? Bastard. And what if a good kid really wants some coal? Can a good kid get coal, too, if he writes it on his Christmas list? Would that be allowed, under Santa’s decree of the allocation of coal?

5. He now takes payment for his presents. Why do you think people leave him cookies and milk? Because they love him? Please. It’s because maybe if he likes the cookies he’ll leave that extra Barbie accessory you’ve been wanting!

6. He probably smells awful. Think about it. He’s out all night, and really, it’s a whole day if he’s gonna’ go ‘round the world, and he’s wearing that huge coat. Santa doesn’t just go to where it’s cold, he goes all over—California, Hawaii, various places on the equator—he’s gotta’ be getting a little bit hot and sweaty in that coat. And he’s riding behind a dozen reindeer that are probably shitting all over the place—some of it is bound to land in his sleigh.

7. Back to those poor people—he’s preventing them from keeping a fire going! A fire in the chimney is probably the only way a lot of poor people stay warm, but they can’t keep one up if Santa’s coming in to bring them some plastic toy they can’t use for survival. And how the hell would he fit the whole sleigh on someone’s Trailer Home? Does he just park it behind the strip club and sneak over to each trailer? Or does Santa only bring gifts to those who have roofs? He could at least be an equal opportunist.

8. What do we call a man who locks up a bunch of tiny people, calls them elves, and makes them do things for him? A Pedophile, that’s what. What kind of a man lives with a bunch of little elves? And what if some child somewhere really wants a lawn ornament for Christmas? How does Santa tell an elf to make a replica of himself, so someone can stick it in their lawn for a dog to pee on? Talk about degrading and inconsiderate.

9. Does Santa realize what millennium this is? While he’s out doing allegedly great things for children everywhere, what is Mrs. Claus doing? She’s staying in the house, cooking and cleaning his Santa Suits. Does she have any friends of her own? What does she do for fun? She probably knits Santa some new scarves. Instead of cookies, maybe someone should leave Santa a copy of The Feminine Mystique.

10. And finally, the basic concept of Santa goes against everything we’re taught in grade school. I learned not to take things from strangers. But hey, if it’s Christmas Eve, and there’s some big fat man with a bushy beard and a hot red pimp coat in your living room during the middle of the night, go ahead, take his candy. It’s only coming from our dear friend, Big Brother, discriminatory, wealthy-loving, bribe-taking, sweat-stained, pedophile, chauvinist Santa Claus.

-Steve Thomas

La Chucacabre and other creatures seek la benefits of life in U.S.

Famous Mexican mythological creature La Chupacabra, Spanish for The Chupacabra, recently fled its natural environment in Mexico for the United States. The fabled monster was reportedly fed up with the working conditions and wages of the Mexican job market for mythological creatures. The United States has stated that La Chupacabra crossed over the border illegally without proper legal documents or work visa, and will be deported to Mexico when apprehended by the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS).

“As soon as Mexican authorities informed us that the subject known as La Chupacabra had infiltrated our beloved country’s border, we began operations on tracking and capturing the subject immediately. The operation will run primarily through the INS in conjunction with the Department of Animal Care and Control. We have our top men working on it now,” said Deputy Commissioner Steve Ford at a press conference earlier this week. When asked which top men would be pursuing the creature, Ford only responded, “Top… men.”

Dr. Perry Able, Sociology of Mythical Creatures professor at New Mexico State A&M Tech University, believes La Chupacabra is merely reacting to its environment and evolving with the troubling economic times.

“La Chupacabra no doubt feels the same economic pressures and food shortages that the entire world is feeling, and this is merely its reaction to the changes,” said Able.

La Chupacabra feeds mostly on a diet of goat blood in Mexico. Difficult economic times have resulted in a decrease of goats across Mexico, primarily because of their expensive cost and the fact that they taste like dog feces. As a result, La Chupacabra crossed the border in hopes of working part time jobs for low wages in order to maintain its food supply.

“Other mythical monsters such as Scotland’s Loch Ness Monster have had less strain while La Chupacabra has felt some of the worst of the depression. While Nessie has free social health care, if La Chupacabra gets injured it must do with a Mythical Free Clinic,” explained Able.

“Yeah, I saw that dude. He would come around here every week or so looking for a fix. I never seen anything like him before and he didn’t speak English, but I got the impression he was really jonesing for some goat blood,” said a goat farmer in Arizona. “I always made sure he paid up front and then I’d let him suck the blood of one of my goats for a few minutes. But I don’t want this getting out; I still get paid to sell those bitten goats to Hardee’s. I want to remain anonymous.”

Despite the INS’s efforts to capture La Chupacabra, North American mythical beast Big Foot, also known as Sasquatch, has been continually crossing the borders of Canada and the United States with almost no complications for approximately eighty years. Bigfoot has managed this endeavor allegedly hundreds of times, only spotted by a few wilderness adventurers while in Canada or the U.S., though never while actually crossing the border.

“We have attempted to track Big Foot for decades to discover how it evades our Northern border patrols. Before 9/11, we saw it as a minor nuisance, but he has since become one of our most sought after delinquents,” said Ford. Despite the tightening of security, Big Foot continues to be sighted in both countries.

Big Foot appears to have lived up to its well-known elusiveness, but Deputy Commissioner Ford is still confident the INS will be able to capture and deport the creature.

“We are unaware of his methods to evade detection, we originally believed he used low-flying airplanes to avoid radar detection, or perhaps used some type of parasail. But recently we have come to believe he is in league with a group of either smugglers or terrorists, who have created a tunnel under the border which he uses in exchange for sexual favors.”

Big Foot advocacy groups have protested the treatment and discrimination of Big Foot by the INS since the creature became a primary target of the INS.

“Big Foot is an innocent and loving creature…we assume. It has long been free to travel within its natural environment spanning across both Canada and the U.S…we think. We don’t see why, after 9/11, that should suddenly all change,” said Ross Sunflower, president of Big Foot United (BFU).

As a result of a recent Dr. Scholls sponsorship, BFU has been able to hire lawyers on behalf of Big Foot and contest that the creature maintains a dual citizenship in the U.S. and Canada, and cannot be legally deported. The case of Sasquatch vs. INS is expected to be heard by the Supreme Court during its next session.

-Jeff Hasser

No, you’re right, we should be “just friends”

Column by: Kevin McDonald

Listen, Monica about the other night, I was…weird. I mean so many emotions were just going through my head. I don’t know if it was the Josh Groban in the background or if it was the bad sushi I ate for lunch, or if it was you stabbing me in the heart emotionally, or whatever, but…yeah you were right. We should be just friends.

I mean sure, I’ve secretly desired to be your one and only true love since like seventh grade, not that I’m counting or anything but like, you know, like it doesn’t mean that just because I put all of my emotions on the line that doesn’t mean that I expect you to feel the same way…or whatever.

But like you are right there is totally someone else more special out there for me. And same for you. Like, you have no idea how easy it is going to be to find a guy that knows like everything about you. Like I mean everyone knows that you love cinnamon, but you hate cinnamon gum. That’s common knowledge like 2+2.

And like we can still have fun every year at Halloween. We can still both do our cute themed costumes every year. Last year I thought we made a great Sonny and Cher! Everyone at Brian’s was like, “They’re hilarious!” and “They make being a husband and wife seem so effortless.” But they’re crazy. They obviously don’t know that we’re “just friends.”

I know that you must be thinking, “Kevin, I’m soo sorry! How can you ever recover from our awkward night?” That’s what I thought too (See how we’re always thinking the same thing? Isn’t that weird?). But don’t worry, I’m totally cool with our sitch. Just like I was cool with the time Jeremy bailed on you last minute and I took you to prom instead of him and we had like the best time ever.

Oh hey, you how whenever we decide what do get for take-out  I always say that we should order Thai and you say no, but then you remember that they have those spring rolls that you love and that’s like all you eat? So fun. Just saying.

Oh! And you know how you love to watch HGTV? I do. I always give in and let you watch all that stuff because it is what you like. I love putting your needs ahead of mine. But, you know, I’m sure whomever you choose to date will have no problem doing the same. Like when you want to watch West Story and he wants to watch The Producers (assuming that your boyfriend loves film adaptations of Broadway musicals like we do) I’m sure that he will have no problem watching West Side Story.

But we all can’t be like me. Soft-spoken, caring, compassionate, kind, a friend to animals. You know, whatever. Just like, everything women want in a husband once they hit 30 and they start to get saggy and like, “hot” guys don’t want them anymore.

Well, your birthday is coming up! Only like three months away! I’m gonna go get working on your card. I’m sure your future boyfriend, whoever he is, is doing the same.

-Daniel Haddad