March 2009
1 post
JUMPED SHIP
The Robin has moved.
Please visit our new site: www.thebtownrobin.wordpress.com
OK.
February 2009
1 post
State legislature considers ban on Canadian...
As lawmakers debate a number of measures designed to help stimulate Indiana’s slumping economy, one proposal could limit marriage rights between Canadian immigrants in the state.
If passed, the law would be the first measure in the nation to prohibit Canadian marriage. Two other states, Arkansas and Virginia, forbid Canadians from adopting American-born children.
House Bill 1357 – known as the...
January 2009
1 post
December 2008
4 posts
Ten reasons Santa is a creep
1. He knows when you’re sleeping.
2. He knows when you’re awake. This means he knows what you’re doing ALL THE TIME.
3. He discriminates against Rudolph and his red nose. Clearly, the song shows that Rudolph is considered “different” because of his red nose. Santa then decides it would be a good thing to single him out because of it. What, now that it’s foggy you want to use me? The red nose is...
La Chucacabre and other creatures seek la benefits...
Famous Mexican mythological creature La Chupacabra, Spanish for The Chupacabra, recently fled its natural environment in Mexico for the United States. The fabled monster was reportedly fed up with the working conditions and wages of the Mexican job market for mythological creatures. The United States has stated that La Chupacabra crossed over the border illegally without proper legal documents or...
No, you’re right, we should be “just friends”
Column by: Kevin McDonald
Listen, Monica about the other night, I was…weird. I mean so many emotions were just going through my head. I don’t know if it was the Josh Groban in the background or if it was the bad sushi I ate for lunch, or if it was you stabbing me in the heart emotionally, or whatever, but…yeah you were right. We should be just friends.
I mean sure, I’ve secretly desired to be your...
News from around the world, November 2008
European Union
Negotiations between European Union member states over dairy regulations broke down today after a coalition of Eastern states lead by Hungary and Slovenia refused to accept the latest German proposals. Fearing a loss of its “Euro street cred,” Germany ran out and bought a leather jacket. Germany is now home to the world’s largest leather jacket.
People’s Republic of China
The...
November 2008
8 posts
My Thanksgiving is gonna' kick yours in the...
Column by: Jason P. LaGrange
All you ass clowns can go ahead and pretend to be excited for Thanksgiving, but just know that none of you have shit on my baller-ass family traditions, and you never will.
For one, get ready to mourn cuz my ass takes off the entire week of Thanksgiving. Why? Cuz I gotta’ get home and help my Mom set up the sickest homemade decorations you bitches have ever seen. We’re...
Dunkin Donuts’ new ad campaign caters to...
After opening in late July on Kirkwood Ave., Dunkin Donuts recently unveiled a new advertising campaign entitled “Bloomington’s Finest,” in order to target the doughnut industry’s largest client base, law enforcement officials.
Dunkin Donuts day manager Ali Finklestein said the promotion is intended to combat the recession, and show support for Bloomington’s police force. But, he added, it’s...
Adorable hipsters fall victim to tragic bike...
Bloomington has a long legacy of cycling with an obvious influence from the 1979 film Breaking Away, in which a fictional bike race set at IU’s campus resulted in the annual Little 500 race, which some sources say is still continued today. Regardless of the lost mythical origins of Bloomington’s tradition of biking, these traditions are now being carried out by the city’s green-conscious...
Kroger employee gets laughs with nametag goof
Little Rock, Ark. — A cashier at a Kroger grocery store in Little Rock for approximately eight months, Carl Jenkins recently began wearing his fellow employees’ nametags on their days off in order to bring some fun to his otherwise dreary workplace environment. According to Jenkins, his coworkers consider him a laugh riot.
“It’s hilarious,” said Jenkins, “It really cracks up the staff and...
New public art highlights softer, feline side of...
The Bloomington Council for the Arts unveiled its latest public project this morning. Located in an alley behind an abandoned sandwich joint, the fresco depicts former president Ronald Reagan in a most unusual light.
“Entitled ‘Spray Painted Cat Ears,’ this piece reveals the frisky and playful aspect of former president Reagan that so few of us got to know,” stated George Statin, curator and...
Local Satanists excluded from community fun, but...
The Monroe County Chapter of the united Church of Satan is suing the city of Bloomington, after their application for an information booth at the downtown Farmers’ Market was refused for the sixth year in a row. Run by the Satan Worshipers Union Local 632, the church has been an active yet overlooked member of the community since its inception by its founder, Bubba “Anton” Johnson, in 2002.
“They...
Horoscopes by major
Education: Today is a 10. As always. You can’t let any adversity come your way, because you are a delusional optimistic. There’s hope for every person, every situation, every thing. While it would theoretically be wise to remind you to check out the sale at Bath & Body Works after class today, we all know it has been in your planner for three weeks now.
Philosophy: Today is a 5. However, a...
October 2008
3 posts
Chili’s: A dining review by Lydia
Lydia DeFonte is an unlicensed massage therapist, part time seer and Chili’s enthusiast.
It was another sleepy Friday night after another killer week (I gave four half-hour massages and a tarot reading—and that was before Hump Day!) I was ready to kick it with my gal-pals and really let loose. Unfortunately, Beth was in Mishawaka visiting her sick aunt, and Rita’s been out of commission...
Ask the Expert, Harold P. Stover.
Harold Stover is a retired foreman of Fenwick Wires/Cable’s Southern Indiana Branch and a former bomber pilot for the U.S. Air Force. He lives in Greenwood Nursing Center in Ellettsville, Ind.
Dear Harold,
My husband and I are in a loving, honest marriage, going three years strong now. I thought I knew everything, but an old friend of his just told me about his struggle with alcoholism in his...
Nation faces hard times ahead…but not John McCain
It was reported today that GOP Presidential candidate John McCain pulled out of the race for Michigan’s electoral votes. To some this might come as a shock. However, his supporters say he pulls out early quite often. Many of the McCain team was unavailable for comment about the situation, though one strategist was able to tell us this about the new strategy:
“This is not unlike McCain to pull out...
August 2008
8 posts
Words of wisdom
Column by: Kylie Davis
Hey guyz!! Whats ^?? I’m sooo excited about gettign a column in here OMG!! It’s sooo craaazy. I was like, when I grow up I want to be a writer bcuz I want to inspire peepl! And they were like “ummmmk here is a column!!” YAH ME!
Okay, the first thign I want to do with this column is let everyone know I am sooo excited. I was in my room the other night and I was like “OK MOM,...
News from around the world, September 2008
British Columbia
A tour bus carrying Japanese tourists careened off a steep embankment when passengers became riotous last Saturday. Minutes before, the tour guide on the bus revealed to the camera-toting foreigners that the country had little to no connection with either Britain or Colombia.
Spain
Due to a recent heat wave Spanish men have begun shaving their legs in an effort to keep cool and...
Facebook launches new, questionable application
The popular social networking website, Facebook.com, has recently launched its newest feature: “Watch People.” This application allows Facebook users to sign up for “news updates” on people with whom they are not friends on Facebook (or, likely, in real life). The user will be notified if the person they are watching changes anything in their profile including their relationship status, networks,...
Get it out!
-Stop tipping me in quarters! I’ve got a washing machine in my apartment complex and it is free of charge so I obviously have no use for your dirty coins.
-To Bozo the Clown in the white van who nearly plowed over my child Sunday, get some help, buddy — or take a taxi cab! -A bake sale is cute and all, but forty dollars and a box of brownies is mere peanuts to the American Diabetes...
Slumping economy forces Smallwood Plaza residents...
Recent warning of a slowing economy has given way to decreased consumer spending over the summer: residents of Bloomington’s Smallwood Plaza are taking fewer trips to Banana Republic, the official clothing outfitter of the apartment community.
The devastating effect of lessened discretionary spending on items such as 100 percent suede belts and shoes from the store’s Carmello Asanti Tuscan...
Students sign over tuition to Sampson
As a result of the buyout agreement of Kelvin Sampson, the IU Bloomington board of trustees has determined that it will have students sign over their tuition checks directly to Sampson for the fall 2008 semester.
Sampson is due to receive $750 thousand according to the buyout agreement reached on Feb. 22, 2008. A random selection of 38 in-state students and 24 out-of-state students have been...
Clinton shoplifts muffin, angers IMU catering and...
In addition to the $78 million Sen. Hillary Clinton’s campaign for president for owes IU Bloomington, it appears that this may not be the end of her debt.
According to Marcia Peters, dining coordinator of Indiana Memorial Union Catering, the senator shoplifted a muffin from her brunch at the Union on Friday, April 25. Dining records from the morning show that the Clinton campaign signed up for a...
Horoscopes by Lydia
Lydia DeFonte is an unlicensed massage therapist and part time seer.
Virgo: Baby Doll, listen to me. Now is the time to spice things up a little in the “hacky sack.” Do you remember that scene in “Cocoon” where a young (and hunky!) Steve Guttenberg gets with the alien broad in the rejuvenation pool? Now that’s hot stuff, and I should know! I believe in aliens, as well as angels, fairies, the...
July 2008
12 posts
Being an intern kicks ass!!!
Column by: Jason P. LaGrange
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my eight-week internship this summer at Foster & Gullen, it’s that the real world is the shit. Working in an accounting firm in suburban New Jersey may seem lame to some of you jackass party boys, but let me tell you right now—man to man—that college is only a stepping stone to the real world. And it’s a stone that sucks....
Sex and stuff by Garnett
Garnett Maybelle is a foreman at the Tyson chicken processing plant in Corydon, Ind. He has a GED and an Internet pornography addiction.
Dear Garnett, Alright me and my man Trey have been a thing for around about ten months now and he just told me about how he likes when girls piss on him. That is so messed up though and I’m not trying to sacrifice my classiness and self-respect so he can...
IU junior really wants to get a dog
Rachel Reynolds, an IU junior studying psychology, expressed that she was extremely interested in purchasing or otherwise acquiring a dog during a recent interview.
“I’m leaving the [Varsity] Villas this year and I’m going to have my own house, so, totally,” Reynolds said.
Reynolds plans to share her new house, located at the intersection of Eighth Street and Lincoln Avenue, with three roommates...
Sort-of expert declares hope only factor in...
Marquel Sharaka was only five feet, five inches tall in the tenth grade, and all he wanted was just that extra little push in growth that would make him as average in height as his peers. And although his mother constantly told him that there was nothing that could be done to extend his height (besides pituitary stimulators she feels give the disabled an unfair advantage), little Marquel held his...
Floods uncover secret IU football team
After last month’s flash flooding damaged the turf of IU’s Memorial Stadium in the amount of $41 thousand, many people at the university have expressed surprise to find out that the stadium is home to IU’s football team.
In early June, severe thunder storms brought damaging torrents of water to the Bloomington area. Many buildings on campus were affected, including the stadium. Athletics...
Apple buys product placement rights to...
Last week, Apple Inc. purchased the promotion rights to the highly anticipated sequel to the 2007 film, “Transformers.” The script is rumored to have had numerous rewrites in order to satisfy Apple’s demands for product placement.
The character of Optimus Prime, as well as many of the other Transformers will no longer transform from robots into cars as originally depicted in the beloved cartoon...
I have the best idea for a movie ever!
Column by: Scotty Preston-Bennett
Ok, ok, check this out. You gotta hear me out here. I got the best idea, the best. It’s for a movie. It’s a movie idea. I got this idea for a movie and it’s fucking sweet as hell. Okay, so here it is.
There’s this alien, all right? No, there’s a whole society of aliens. Millions of aliens, okay? And they all live on Earth. They all live here on Earth and they’ve...
Extraordinary person to host big thing
Some innovative guy will be holding some sort of event within the next couple of weeks, sources say, in an attempt to both entertain important people and do something good for some disadvantaged association. The event, which will be held at a nice hotel in a metropolitan area, is expected to bring in a large number of other people who are important, some people speculate.
This guy has been known...
Poll: Young voters think John McCain is Ronald...
A recent Gallup poll suggests that college-aged students have trouble distinguishing between a current presidential candidate and a former president who left office 19 years ago.
In the poll, which surveyed voters from four different age classifications, the vast majority of respondents aged 18-25 identified Republican presidential nominee John McCain as Ronald Reagan, who was first elected to the...