No, you’re right, we should be “just friends”
Column by: Kevin McDonald
Listen, Monica about the other night, I was…weird. I mean so many emotions were just going through my head. I don’t know if it was the Josh Groban in the background or if it was the bad sushi I ate for lunch, or if it was you stabbing me in the heart emotionally, or whatever, but…yeah you were right. We should be just friends.
I mean sure, I’ve secretly desired to be your one and only true love since like seventh grade, not that I’m counting or anything but like, you know, like it doesn’t mean that just because I put all of my emotions on the line that doesn’t mean that I expect you to feel the same way…or whatever.
But like you are right there is totally someone else more special out there for me. And same for you. Like, you have no idea how easy it is going to be to find a guy that knows like everything about you. Like I mean everyone knows that you love cinnamon, but you hate cinnamon gum. That’s common knowledge like 2+2.
And like we can still have fun every year at Halloween. We can still both do our cute themed costumes every year. Last year I thought we made a great Sonny and Cher! Everyone at Brian’s was like, “They’re hilarious!” and “They make being a husband and wife seem so effortless.” But they’re crazy. They obviously don’t know that we’re “just friends.”
I know that you must be thinking, “Kevin, I’m soo sorry! How can you ever recover from our awkward night?” That’s what I thought too (See how we’re always thinking the same thing? Isn’t that weird?). But don’t worry, I’m totally cool with our sitch. Just like I was cool with the time Jeremy bailed on you last minute and I took you to prom instead of him and we had like the best time ever.
Oh hey, you how whenever we decide what do get for take-out I always say that we should order Thai and you say no, but then you remember that they have those spring rolls that you love and that’s like all you eat? So fun. Just saying.
Oh! And you know how you love to watch HGTV? I do. I always give in and let you watch all that stuff because it is what you like. I love putting your needs ahead of mine. But, you know, I’m sure whomever you choose to date will have no problem doing the same. Like when you want to watch West Story and he wants to watch The Producers (assuming that your boyfriend loves film adaptations of Broadway musicals like we do) I’m sure that he will have no problem watching West Side Story.
But we all can’t be like me. Soft-spoken, caring, compassionate, kind, a friend to animals. You know, whatever. Just like, everything women want in a husband once they hit 30 and they start to get saggy and like, “hot” guys don’t want them anymore.
Well, your birthday is coming up! Only like three months away! I’m gonna go get working on your card. I’m sure your future boyfriend, whoever he is, is doing the same.
-Daniel Haddad
3 years ago • 0 notes