The Robin

La Chucacabre and other creatures seek la benefits of life in U.S.

Famous Mexican mythological creature La Chupacabra, Spanish for The Chupacabra, recently fled its natural environment in Mexico for the United States. The fabled monster was reportedly fed up with the working conditions and wages of the Mexican job market for mythological creatures. The United States has stated that La Chupacabra crossed over the border illegally without proper legal documents or work visa, and will be deported to Mexico when apprehended by the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS).

“As soon as Mexican authorities informed us that the subject known as La Chupacabra had infiltrated our beloved country’s border, we began operations on tracking and capturing the subject immediately. The operation will run primarily through the INS in conjunction with the Department of Animal Care and Control. We have our top men working on it now,” said Deputy Commissioner Steve Ford at a press conference earlier this week. When asked which top men would be pursuing the creature, Ford only responded, “Top… men.”

Dr. Perry Able, Sociology of Mythical Creatures professor at New Mexico State A&M Tech University, believes La Chupacabra is merely reacting to its environment and evolving with the troubling economic times.

“La Chupacabra no doubt feels the same economic pressures and food shortages that the entire world is feeling, and this is merely its reaction to the changes,” said Able.

La Chupacabra feeds mostly on a diet of goat blood in Mexico. Difficult economic times have resulted in a decrease of goats across Mexico, primarily because of their expensive cost and the fact that they taste like dog feces. As a result, La Chupacabra crossed the border in hopes of working part time jobs for low wages in order to maintain its food supply.

“Other mythical monsters such as Scotland’s Loch Ness Monster have had less strain while La Chupacabra has felt some of the worst of the depression. While Nessie has free social health care, if La Chupacabra gets injured it must do with a Mythical Free Clinic,” explained Able.

“Yeah, I saw that dude. He would come around here every week or so looking for a fix. I never seen anything like him before and he didn’t speak English, but I got the impression he was really jonesing for some goat blood,” said a goat farmer in Arizona. “I always made sure he paid up front and then I’d let him suck the blood of one of my goats for a few minutes. But I don’t want this getting out; I still get paid to sell those bitten goats to Hardee’s. I want to remain anonymous.”

Despite the INS’s efforts to capture La Chupacabra, North American mythical beast Big Foot, also known as Sasquatch, has been continually crossing the borders of Canada and the United States with almost no complications for approximately eighty years. Bigfoot has managed this endeavor allegedly hundreds of times, only spotted by a few wilderness adventurers while in Canada or the U.S., though never while actually crossing the border.

“We have attempted to track Big Foot for decades to discover how it evades our Northern border patrols. Before 9/11, we saw it as a minor nuisance, but he has since become one of our most sought after delinquents,” said Ford. Despite the tightening of security, Big Foot continues to be sighted in both countries.

Big Foot appears to have lived up to its well-known elusiveness, but Deputy Commissioner Ford is still confident the INS will be able to capture and deport the creature.

“We are unaware of his methods to evade detection, we originally believed he used low-flying airplanes to avoid radar detection, or perhaps used some type of parasail. But recently we have come to believe he is in league with a group of either smugglers or terrorists, who have created a tunnel under the border which he uses in exchange for sexual favors.”

Big Foot advocacy groups have protested the treatment and discrimination of Big Foot by the INS since the creature became a primary target of the INS.

“Big Foot is an innocent and loving creature…we assume. It has long been free to travel within its natural environment spanning across both Canada and the U.S…we think. We don’t see why, after 9/11, that should suddenly all change,” said Ross Sunflower, president of Big Foot United (BFU).

As a result of a recent Dr. Scholls sponsorship, BFU has been able to hire lawyers on behalf of Big Foot and contest that the creature maintains a dual citizenship in the U.S. and Canada, and cannot be legally deported. The case of Sasquatch vs. INS is expected to be heard by the Supreme Court during its next session.

-Jeff Hasser