Ten reasons Santa is a creep
1. He knows when you’re sleeping.
2. He knows when you’re awake. This means he knows what you’re doing ALL THE TIME.
3. He discriminates against Rudolph and his red nose. Clearly, the song shows that Rudolph is considered “different” because of his red nose. Santa then decides it would be a good thing to single him out because of it. What, now that it’s foggy you want to use me? The red nose is awesome, now that you can’t see. Well screw you, Santa! You didn’t like my red nose before? Well you can’t use it now!
4. He only brings coal to bad kids. Well what about poor kids, who could probably keep the house warm for a week with some coal?! What’s the use of a remote control car to a poor kid who just needs heat and food? Bastard. And what if a good kid really wants some coal? Can a good kid get coal, too, if he writes it on his Christmas list? Would that be allowed, under Santa’s decree of the allocation of coal?
5. He now takes payment for his presents. Why do you think people leave him cookies and milk? Because they love him? Please. It’s because maybe if he likes the cookies he’ll leave that extra Barbie accessory you’ve been wanting!
6. He probably smells awful. Think about it. He’s out all night, and really, it’s a whole day if he’s gonna’ go ‘round the world, and he’s wearing that huge coat. Santa doesn’t just go to where it’s cold, he goes all over—California, Hawaii, various places on the equator—he’s gotta’ be getting a little bit hot and sweaty in that coat. And he’s riding behind a dozen reindeer that are probably shitting all over the place—some of it is bound to land in his sleigh.
7. Back to those poor people—he’s preventing them from keeping a fire going! A fire in the chimney is probably the only way a lot of poor people stay warm, but they can’t keep one up if Santa’s coming in to bring them some plastic toy they can’t use for survival. And how the hell would he fit the whole sleigh on someone’s Trailer Home? Does he just park it behind the strip club and sneak over to each trailer? Or does Santa only bring gifts to those who have roofs? He could at least be an equal opportunist.
8. What do we call a man who locks up a bunch of tiny people, calls them elves, and makes them do things for him? A Pedophile, that’s what. What kind of a man lives with a bunch of little elves? And what if some child somewhere really wants a lawn ornament for Christmas? How does Santa tell an elf to make a replica of himself, so someone can stick it in their lawn for a dog to pee on? Talk about degrading and inconsiderate.
9. Does Santa realize what millennium this is? While he’s out doing allegedly great things for children everywhere, what is Mrs. Claus doing? She’s staying in the house, cooking and cleaning his Santa Suits. Does she have any friends of her own? What does she do for fun? She probably knits Santa some new scarves. Instead of cookies, maybe someone should leave Santa a copy of The Feminine Mystique.
10. And finally, the basic concept of Santa goes against everything we’re taught in grade school. I learned not to take things from strangers. But hey, if it’s Christmas Eve, and there’s some big fat man with a bushy beard and a hot red pimp coat in your living room during the middle of the night, go ahead, take his candy. It’s only coming from our dear friend, Big Brother, discriminatory, wealthy-loving, bribe-taking, sweat-stained, pedophile, chauvinist Santa Claus.
-Steve Thomas
3 years ago • Notes